You can't be
a Queen, you know, till you've passed the proper examination. And the
sooner we begin it, the better.
- I only said "if"! - poor Alice pleaded in a piteous tone. The two
Queens looked at each other, and the Red Queen remarked, with
a little shudder, - She SAYS she only said "if"
- But she said a great deal more than that! - the White Queen moaned,
wringing her hands. - Oh, ever so much more than that!
- So you did, you know, - the Red Queen said to Alice. - Always speak
the truth - think before you speak - and write it down afterwards.
- I'm sure I didn't mean - Alice was beginning, but the Red Queen
interrupted her impatiently.
- That's just what I complain of! You SHOULD have meant! What do you
suppose is the use of child without any meaning? Even a joke should have
some meaning - and a child's more important than a joke, I hope. You
couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands.
- I don't deny things with my HANDS, - Alice objected.
- Nobody said you did, - said the Red Queen. - I said you couldn't if
you tried.
- She's in that state of mind, - said the White Queen, - that she
wants to deny SOMETHING - only she doesn't know what to deny!
- A nasty, vicious temper, - the Red Queen remarked; and then there
was an uncomfortable silence for a minute or two.
The Red Queen broke the silence by saying to the White Queen, - I
invite you to Alice's dinner-party this afternoon.
The White Queen smiled feebly, and said - And I invite YOU. - I
didn't know I was to have a party at all, - said Alice; - but if
there is to be one, I think _I_ ought to invite the guests.
- We gave you the opportunity of doing it, - the Red Queen remarked:
- but I daresay you've not had many lessons in manners yet?
- Manners are not taught in lessons, - said Alice. - Lessons teach
you to do sums, and things of that sort.
- And you do Addition? - the White Queen asked. - What's one and one
and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one?
- I don't know, - said Alice. - I lost count.
- She can't to Addition, - the Red Queen interrupted. - Can you do
Subtraction? Take nine from eight.
- Nine from eight I can't, you know, - Alice replied very readily: -
but
- She can't do Subtraction, - said the White Queen. - Can you do
Division? Divide a loaf by a knife - what's the answer to that?
- I suppose - Alice was beginning, but the Red Queen answered for
her. - Bread-and-butter, of course. Try another Subtraction sum. Take a
bone from a dog: what remains?
Alice considered. - The bone wouldn't remain, of course, if I took it
- and the dog wouldn't remain; it would come to bite me - and I'm sure I
shouldn't remain!
- Then you think nothing would remain? - said the Red Queen.
- I think that's the answer.
- Wrong, as usual, - said the Red Queen: - the dog's temper would
remain.
- But I don't see how
- Why, look here! - the Red Queen cried. - The dog would lose its
temper, wouldn't it?
- Perhaps it would, - Alice replied cautiously.
- Then it the dog went away, its temper would remain! - the Queen
exclaimed triumphantly.
Alice said, as gravely as she could, - They might go different ways.
- But she couldn't help thinking to herself, - What dreadful nonsense we
ARE talking!
- She can't do sums a BIT! - the Queens said together, with great
emphasis.
- Can YOU do sums? - Alice said, turning suddenly on the White Queen,
for she didn't like being found fault with so much.
The Queen gasped and shut her eyes. - I can do Addition, - if you
give me time - but I can do Subtraction, under ANY circumstances!
- Of course you know your A B C? - said the Red Queen.
- To be sure I do. - said Alice.
- So do I, - the White Queen whispered: - we'll often say it over
together, dear. And I'll tell you a secret - I can read words of one
letter! Isn't THAT grand! However, don't be discouraged. You'll come to it
in time.
Here the Red Queen began again. - Can you answer useful questions?
she said. - How is bread made?
- I know THAT! - Alice cried eagerly. - You take some flour
- Where do you pick the flower? - the White Queen asked. - In a
garden, or in the hedges?
- Well, it isn't PICKED at all, - Alice explained: - it's GROUND
- How many acres of ground? - said the White Queen. - You mustn't
leave out so many things.
- Fan her head! - the Red Queen anxiously interrupted. - She'll be
feverish after so much thinking. - So they set to work and fanned her with
bunches of leaves, till she had to beg them to leave off, it blew her hair
about so.
- She's all right again now, - said the Red Queen. - Do you know
Languages? What's the French for fiddle-de-dee?
- Fiddle-de-dee's not English, - Alice replied gravely.
- Who ever said it was? - said the Red Queen. Alice thought she saw a
way out of the difficulty this time. - If
you'll tell me what language "fiddle-de-dee" is, I'll tell you the French
for it! - she exclaimed triumphantly.
But the Red Queen drew herself up rather stiffly, and said - Queens
never make bargains.
- I wish Queens never asked questions, - Alice thought to herself.
- Don't let us quarrel, - the White Queen said in an anxious tone. -
What is the cause of lightning?
- The cause of lightning, - Alice said very decidedly, for she felt
quite certain about this, - is the thunder - no, no! - she hastily
corrected herself. - I meant the other way.
- It's too late to correct it, - said the Red Queen: - when you've
once said a thing, that fixes it, and you must take the consequences.
- Which reminds me - the White Queen said, looking down and nervously
clasping and unclasping her hands, - we had SUCH a thunderstorm last
Tuesday - I mean one of the last set of Tuesdays, you know.
Alice was puzzled. - In OUR country, - she remarked, - there's only
one day at a time.
The Red Queen said, - That's a poor thin way of doing things. Now
HERE, we mostly have days and nights two or three at a time, and sometimes
in the winter we take as many as five nights together for warmth, you
know.
- Are five nights warmer than one night, then? - Alice ventured to
ask.
- Five times as warm, of course.
- But they should be five times as COLD, by the same rule
- Just so! - cried the Red Queen. - Five times as warm, AND five
times as cold - just as I'm five times as rich as you are, AND five times
as clever!
Alice sighted and gave it up. - It's exactly like a riddle with no
answer! - she thought.
- Humpty Dumpty saw it too, - the White Queen went on in a low voice,
more as if she were talking to herself. - He came to the door with a
corkscrew in his hand
- What did he want? - said the Red Queen.
- He said he WOULD come in, - the White Queen went on, - because he
was looking for a hippopotamus. Now, as it happened, there wasn't such a
thing in the house, that morning.
- Is there generally? - Alice asked in an astonished tone.
- Well, only on Thursdays, - said the Queen.
- I know what he came for, - said Alice: - he wanted to punish the
fish, because
Here the White Queen began again. - It was SUCH a thunderstorm, you
can't think! - (She NEVER could you know, - said the Red Queen.) - And
part of the roof came off, and ever so much thunder got in - and it went
rolling round the room in great lumps -and knocking over the tables and
things - till I was so frightened, I couldn't remember my own name!
Alice thought to herself, - I never should TRY to remember my name in
the middle of an accident! Where would be the use of it? - but she did not
say this aloud, for fear of hurting the poor Queen's feeling.
- Your Majesty must excuse her, - the Red Queen said to Alice, taking
one of the White Queen's hands in her own, and gently stroking it: - she
means well, but she can't help saying foolish things, as a general rule.
The White Queen looked timidly at Alice, who felt she OUGHT to say
something kind, but really couldn't think of anything at the moment.
- She never was really well brought up, - the Red Queen went on: -
but it's amazing how good-tempered she is! Pat her on the head, and see
how pleased she'll be! - But this was more than Alice had courage to do.
- A little kindness - and putting her hair in papers - would do
wonders with her
The White Queen gave a deep sigh, and laid her head on Alice's
shoulder. - I AM so sleepy? - she moaned.
- She's tired, poor thing! - said the Red Queen. - Smooth her hair
lend her your nightcap - and sing her a soothing lullaby.
- I haven't got a nightcap with me, - said Alice, as she tried to
obey the first direction: - and I don't know any soothing lullabies."
- I must do it myself, then, - said the Red Queen, and she began:

- Hush-a-by lady, in Alice's lap!
Till the feast's ready, we've time for a nap:
When the feast's over, we'll go to the ball
Red Queen, and White Queen, and Alice, and all!

- And now you know the words, - she added, as she put her head down
on Alice's other shoulder, - just sing it through to ME. I'm getting
sleepy, too. - In another moment both Queens were fast asleep, and snoring
loud.
- What AM I to do? exclaimed Alice, looking about in great
perplexity, as first one round head, and then the other, rolled down from
her shoulder, and lay like a heavy lump in her lap. - I don't thing it
EVER happened before, that any one had to take care of two Queens asleep
at once! No, not in all the History of England - it couldn't, you know,
because there never was more than one Queen at a time. Do wake up, you
heavy things! - she went on in an impatient tone; but there was no answer
but a gentle snoring.
The snoring got more distinct every minute, and sounded more like a
tune: at last she could even make out the words, and she listened so
eagerly that, when the two great heads vanished from her lap, she hardly
missed them.
She was standing before an arched doorway over which were the words
QUEEN ALICE in large letters, and on each side of the arch there was a
bell-handle; one was marked - Visitors - Bell, - and the other - Servants
- Bell.
- I'll wait till the song's over, - thought Alice, - and then I'll
ring - the - WHICH bell must I ring? - she went on, very much puzzled by
the names. - I'm not a visitor, and I'm not a servant. There OUGHT to be
one marked "Queen," you know
Just then the door opened a little way, and a creature with a long
beak put its head out for a moment and said - No admittance till the week
after next! - and shut the door again with a bang.
Alice knocked and rang in vain for a long time, but at last, a very
old Frog, who was sitting under a tree, got up and hobbled slowly towards
her: he was dressed in bright yellow, and had enormous boots on.
- What is it, now? - the Frog said in a deep hoarse whisper. Alice
turned round, ready to find fault with anybody.
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